It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we should paint friendship bongs
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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