like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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