why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
