I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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