I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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