A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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