i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
