He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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