I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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