wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize