He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
