Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
