i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
