Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
