i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
