its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
