I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm sobbing to NWA
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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