tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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