dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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