Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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