if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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