Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
