Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
