i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
