Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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