Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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