**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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