we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
