he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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