The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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