I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
