You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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