My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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