You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
