I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
