they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
