Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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