dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
