Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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