I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
