You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize