Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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