Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
