Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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