i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i out mim tonsoeep
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