this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
