he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
