dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
