I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
