Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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