If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
