PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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