OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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