Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My feet surprised me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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