running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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