I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
