I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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