I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
