That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
