went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Green mimosas i think yes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
